Stale, Lukewarm, Scared, and Paralyzed - It All Ends Right Now

So it's been a while.  A long while.  There have been quite a few times when I have felt an urge to journal here, but have neglected to do so.  I regret that.  I wonder if journaling on a consistent basis would've helped me not go where I am now, spiritually speaking.

I believed in God at such a young age and had always wanted to do the right thing (even though I didn't always follow through), and I thought that made me a Christian.  It wasn't until much later that I realized that believing in Him wasn't enough.  Even the demons believe in His existence.  And striving to do the right thing was not going to get me anywhere either.  It was then that I gave my heart to God and became a Christian.  That must have been in 2004 or 2005 (Is it bad that I don't remember the exact date?).  Funny how when you pray that "Sinner's Prayer" and ask Jesus into your heart that you expect some radical change in your life.  I'm not saying that there wasn't a change in me, there was, but I don't know that I would term it as "radical".  Anyway, so time goes by.  I was hungry for more of Him at first and sought after Him at first.  But time went by...

I know that it is normal to have periods of....is "dormancy" the right word?  I don't think so, but I do think it gives a decent description of those times in your spiritual life that feel stale and luke warm.  I have had a few of them, where I know there is more, but at the same time, I was just content to float through right where I was.  Then God would "wake me up" and stir my spirit, and I would enter into a period of growth.  It's a cycle for me, and from what I understand, the cycle is "normal".  But I have people in my life that ALWAYS seem to be on fire for God.  Searching for Him, expecting to see Him in every situation.  And I find myself wondering why I can't be like them.  Why do I have to have the "cycles" when they don't?  The answer - I don't.  It's not God's fault I have let myself get lazy in my walk with Him.  It's not His fault that I don't actively seek Him.   And it's not His fault that I constantly fall into the trap of letting the people around me determine the temperature of my heat for Him.  It's mine.  It's mine.

I am reminded of a verse in Revelation 3: "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth." I don't want to be lukewarm.  I don't want to be stale.  I don't want to be casual about my relationship with Christ.  But as I thought about this verse, satan brought on that all-to-familiar spirit of fear.  Has He already spit me out?  Is He so hurt by my apathy, that He has walked away, for good this time?  Does He really still love me?  Then I find myself feeling spiritually paralyzed, and not sure of how to proceed from here and too scared and discouraged to even try.

But my Savior comes to my rescue, and He reminds me of another verse.  This one is in 2 Timothy 1: "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline."  This verse really speaks to me right now, on so many levels.  Here I am in this rut; only this time, I am not content to float through it.  I know what that fire feels like inside of me and I want to feel that heat for The Lord again.  I know what needs to change in my life to get me out of this rut, but satan tries to keep me from making those changes through pride and fear.  But God (I just love those 2 sweet words!) has given me a spirit of power, which is so much stronger that any trick that satan can pull out of his sleeve.  And God has given me a spirit of self-discipline, which empowers me to make the changes in my life that need to be made.  God also tells me in Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  He is with me right now, in this rut, beckoning me to take His holy hand and let Him help me out of the pit .

So, God, I thank you for never leaving me, even when I turn my head and heart from you.  Thank you, oh God, for loving me when I don't show the same love to you.  Thank you, Father, for being the God of second, third, fourth...infinity chances.  I pray, Lord God, that you help me out of this pit.  Protect me from satan's tricks as he attempts to keep me here.  Pull me out and draw me to you.  I want to feel the fire for you in my heart again.  Father, more of you, less of me.