It's been a very long time since I have posted here.   So much has changed since then.  In my life.  In my heart.  In our family.  In our world.  To say that 2012 seems like a lifetime ago is an understatement!  In fact it was a lifetime ago!  Last time I posted, our son wasn't even alive yet!  He's now 8 years old!  I won't take the time to catch you up on all of it.  Anyone who has the link to this page has been privy to all the goings on in the Nixon family over the last 8 years. 

So why am I back?  Because I need to process, and for some reason, processing through writing seems to be what works for me.

I have been feeling so overwhelmed as of late.  I find myself wondering why that is. Why am I tired?  Why am I down?  Why am I feeling so less than?  Where did my Joy go?  I look at the last year and it's easy to see, right?  2020.  COVID 19.  Pandemic.  Trump.  Biden. "Uncertain Times" seemed the be the media's favorite description for this time in our history.  And it has been uncertain in so many ways.  But in other ways, I have never been more certain.  Certain that God is in control.  Certain that He is who he says he is.  Certain that I am who he says I am - HIS.  Certain that while his eye is on the sparrow, He's also watching me.

Nope.  My heaviness goes back far beyond the days of coronavirus and crazy presidents.  And I don't necessarily think "heaviness" is the right work for how I am feeling.  I still haven't pinpointed the appropriate word.  Hence, my need to process, I guess.

I look at the years since I last wrote here, and there is so much to unpack.  When I think of 2012, I think of 3 main events - my first trip to Kenya, the split of my brother's family, and the miraculous healing of Sweet Baby Sofie. All of these events shaped me in ways I had no idea they would at the time.  I don't remember much at all about 2013.  I returned to Kenya for another mission trip, and my youngest daughter started Kindergarten in 2014, but other than that I think it was pretty uneventful as well.

2015?  Now THAT was a year!  Followed by 2016 - another crazy one - which lead to the next 5 crazy years, landing us here.  2021 - and me in a place of spiritual thirst like I don't remember having - ever.  I'm tired, y'all!  Exhausted, actually.  Depleted.  But in some sense...peaceful?  

So here I am - ready to unpack all of that, to share some vulnerabilities, to celebrate events that went un(der)celebrated, to grieve a few things that got lost along the way, but mostly to heal.  If I have shared this link with you, it's not because I am so impressed with my ability to express on paper, or because I think you would be greatly entertained/educated/enlightened by anything I have to say here.  If I shared this link with you, it's because you are a sweet, trusted friend, and I covet your prayers and accountability partnership.  There are so many things in my life that are absolutely precious - gifts from the Father of Lights.  You are one of those gifts.

So here goes........

Our adoption story started when I was a young girl, but really ramped up in 2014/2015.  If you don't know that story, you can read about it here.  After the whirlwind journey it was to get to Caleb, we came home from China with him a short 9 months after starting the adoption process.  You really should read that blog.  It was unreal, how it all unfolded.  What was supposed to take 18-24 months took 9 - every dime provided right when the next check was due to be written.  Crazy good awesomeness!  It was December 2, 2015 when we landed on US soil with him, and we commenced with the process of learning how to be a family of 5.

No sooner than having found our new groove, we learned that Jodie's company wanted to start a 2nd location, and were leaning towards sending us to open it.  There were discussions of Atlanta, Greenville/Spartanburg SC, and maybe somewhere in Virginia.  I had no interest in Atlanta.  Jodie didn't either.  Knowing what we know now - would we think different?  Hmmmm....  Nah.  No interest in Atlanta.  Virginia, we could've done (maybe should've).

We settled on GSP, thinking it was far enough out of the company's current market and close enough to ATL to capitalize on some work there. Samantha was finishing up her fourth grade year at her school; Georgia was finishing first grade.  I didn't want them have to move mid year and be the "new kids" in the middle of a school year the following year.  Even more so, I didn't want Sam to be the "new kid" going into middle school.  So I pushed to move as soon as school was finished in 2016.  "If we're going, we need to go now."  In my mind, that would give the girls time to make friends in the area before going to school in August, and it would give Sam an entire school year to settle into a group of friends before heading to Middle School.  So that was that.  We sold our house.  We bought a new one (That was a journey in and of itself.).  We moved to SC in June of 2021.

I regret all that rushing now.  I find myself wondering if things would've been less hard over the last 5 years had I not rushed the move.   I blame myself for the lack of time we had to find the best office location for SCC - Greenville.  I blame myself for the lack of time Jodie had to focus and develop a business/marketing plan for SCC Division 2.  What would be different if I hadn't meddled?  What would things look like now if I had just trusted God with all of it - the timing, the place, the everything?  Would we have discovered that maybe GSP wasn't the best spot?   Would we have learned that it needed to be ATL or nothing (I think it would've been nothing if I had had a say.)?  Would God have closed the door altogether?  Who knows?  And I'm not saying that GSP was a mistake.  I'm just saying its been hard - hard enough to make us wonder if we were outside the Will of God even coming here. And, I wonder if it would've been less hard had we taken more time to plan/think/execute?

Don't get me wrong.  GSP has certainly not been all bad.  The timing of our move was perfect for Georgia.  She got here and enrolled in this school system just in time to take a few tests (given to all 2nd graders in GCS) that qualified her to enroll in a school for gifted children.  This platform goes from 3rd grade - 8th grade, and has been nothing short of a God-send for her.  She would've missed that opportunity had we not come the summer of 2016.  So maybe we are not outside the Will of God being here???  Emotionally, G struggles at times.  Anxiety will bring her to some super dark places.  Fortunately, so far, she will talk to me about it.  While I am so super grateful for that, it's a lot!  There is a heaviness there.  I mean, I get ALL THE DETAILS.  Again, better than her keeping it all pinned up inside, but woo!  Sometimes I feel like I need a counselor after some of our chats.  I don't think this has anything to do with our move or being in Greenville.  But I guess it's part of what needs processing.

Samantha had a great 5th grade year at our local public school, but then ended up being the "new kid" the following year for middle school anyway.  Because of the way classes are put together, she landed in a whole new group of kids, many from other elementary schools, forcing her to start from scratch with friends all over again.  Getting her into the correct level classes turned into a whole big ordeal.  Because she was in a Charter school in NC, which did not administer aptitude testing for 2nd graders, we had no "proof" that she was an accelerated learner (Even though she was a straight A student who received perfect scores on her 4th Grade EOGs).  So they put her in remedial classes for middle school.  It took a Mother Bear battle and 2 years to get her placed correctly.  So then for 7th grade - she switched groups again, starting over with friends for a 3rd time.  It was a very difficult time for her.  Middle school is hard anyway, but this was just unnecessarily trying!  So maybe we were outside the Will of God?

Then there's Caleb.  Poor kid hadn't even gotten his bearings in NC before we packed him up for another huge move.  Since being in SC, Caleb has been in 6 different school environments: a Christian preschool, GSC 4K, a Mandarin Immersion elementary school, our neighborhood elementary school, COVID eLearning, and finally, homeschooling and a COOP.  It's been challenging for him, to say the least.  And, again, to get anywhere with the district in terms of placement in programs, Mother Bear has to come alive.  Why is it that we have to fight to have our kiddos served?  I know there are kids who are in far greater need than my son.  But why do we have to wait until he's drowning to throw him a life vest?  He's the perfect kiddo to fall through the cracks in the system - not excelling, but also not falling terribly far behind.  So no attention at all, unless.... enter Mother Bear.  Part of the reason for all this instability is our attempt to place him in the environment in which he will be best served.  That decision is not always easy, it's not always obvious, and it's not always convenient or fun.  We attempted the Mandarin Immersion program in kindergarten because we truly thought it would be best for him to be in an environment where other students and faculty looked like him, some even having similar backgrounds. We also thought it would be great for him to learn to speak Mandarin.  But, some of his challenges began showing themselves and the school wasn't equipped to meet those needs, so on to the next school we went.  He finished 5K at our neighborhood elementary school and stayed there for first grade, only to be kicked out of the building due to coronavirus.  eLearning was a nightmare for him (and me) - so much so, that we decided homeschooling for the 20/21 school year would be our best move.    If we had stayed in NC, there would never have been this much moving around for him.  He would've finished preschool where I was working and gone to the same K-12 charter school the girls were attending.  No questions.  No nothing.  I shutter to think about all of the changes this kiddo has seen in his short 8 years.  The only one I know for sure was God's plan was his adoption into our family.  The rest of it?  Who knows?  I believe we have done our best and that every choice we made was with him in mind, but I can't sit here and say that every decision was deeply thought out and presented before God, looking for His Will in the situation.  So, how much of all this chaos was avoidable? Enter momma guilt.

I know I'm painting a very rough picture, and that's not 100% true.  Since June of 2016,  I have seen my girls grow in ways that would not have been possible had we still been in NC.  Adaptability being right at the top of that list.  But even more so, Spiritually speaking.  We landed at a church that, through its teaching and small group settings, has challenged them to make their faith their own - not one passed down to them from Jodie or me.  It's been awesome to watch as they both have experienced the love of their Father God in  their own ways.  I do not know this would have happened to the same extent at our church in NC.  So life as sandlappers definitely hasn't been all doom and gloom.

For Jodie, the last five years has been daunting.  Perceived failure after perceived failure after perceived failure.  Defeat.  Loneliness.  Exhaustion. Depression. The throwing of his hands in the air.  Tears.  Begs for help and assistance from team members.  Professionally speaking - out of sight, out of mind.  Abandonment.  There's that word.  The one that describes so much of his life.  The one that brings him to his knees.  The one that he still struggles with, though he has and still is working through all of it.  My husband has been hurting, striving, hurting, fighting an up-hill battle - non stop FOR 5 YEARS!  I kept telling him it would get better - that things would turn around.  Two, three years in, we were still struggling, not really seeing the light at the end of this never ending tunnel.  Four years in - COVID - a whole new bag of worms.  Decreased company sales, bidding opportunities, and cash balances lead to pay cuts and layoffs.  A whole new level of hard.  Now, on top of the pressure of getting SCC D2 up to par in the midst of a pandemic, he was grieving the fact that as a business owner, he had to let people go in the midst of a pandemic!  Until then, I never fully grasped the idea that business owners not only feel responsible for feeding their own families, but also every family represented by his/her employees.  All of a sudden there was this exponential change in the degree of heaviness around here.  Due to the necessary changes for SCC, Jodie began travelling to Raleigh a few nights at a time - sometimes weekly, usually every other week.  He and I work so much better together.  He has a tendency to retreat into his own thoughts and struggles.  Hours alone in the truck followed by nights alone in a hotel room only encouraged this.  

Personally speaking, it's been a roller coaster.  This whole time, I have been the family anchor.  The cheerleader.  The rationalizer.  The encourager.  The tutor. The strong one.  The crutch.  The calendar.  The plate spinner.  The taxi.  The cleaner.  The lunch packer.  The cook...... When the highs came along, I took a deep breath and hoped the hard was over.  But then another wave of hard would blow in like fall leaves catching rides on the breeze.  Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my role in this family.  I love that, for the most part, I am strong enough to carry these burdens for/with those I love most.  If I can lighten the load of someone else under this roof, I'm all in!  I don't think my role has changed much since leaving NC, other than supporting Jodie through the challenges with SCC.  I think the difference is that I had a beloved village there, helping me carry my load, doing life with me, encouraging me - vehicles of God, helping to fill my cup as I poured myself out.  Five years in, and while I have met, and become friends with, some incredible people, that group of women left a void in my life that has gone unfilled.

On top of all that, since 2016, I have made multiple attempts to return to work on a full-time basis.  One time we were so close to a deal that I went out and bought work clothes!  But every single time, I have heard God tell me "No" and close the door.  Every time I have melted a bit - not publicly though.  I can't do that!  I have to be strong!  I'm the anchor!  No, just pieces inside of me died a silent death.  I never thought I'd be a stay at home mom/wife.  There was no way!  Not in a million years!  But then I became a mom.  HAHAHA!  And returning to work was the last thing I wanted for me, Samantha, and even Jodie.  So when we moved to NC, we took that opportunity to downsize our lifestyle and get me at home.  I think after 10 years of that, I was ready to re-claim CARRIE.  So with each failed attempt to return to the working world, I felt like a little more of CARRIE disappeared behind the most recently closed door.  Don't get me wrong.  Every single time, I have found myself thankful that it didn't work out - that God shut the door before too many commitments were made, but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt just a bit.  Each time, I felt like God was leading me into something new and different, giving me new capacities, usually for the benefit of Jodie and/or the kids.  "No, not yet, Carrie.  ________  needs you in this new way for this new season." Most recently, it was the sudden revelation that Caleb needed to be homeschooled this year. 

Homeschooling, I have always suspected, is not for the faint of heart.  Now I know that to be true so very deep in my bones.  It was not something I ever wanted or felt lead to do.  It was not something that I wanted to do, even when I felt God's prompting last July.  I was on track to go back to work full-time!  I was prepping to study for a few tests that would put a cute little acronym behind my name!  It was my turn to shine!  My turn to claim my life as my own.  But, "No, Carrie.  Caleb needs you in this new way for this new season."  Oh, I was mad.  I fought with God, tooth and nail, for weeks.  When that didn't work, I finally went to Jodie with the idea, sure that he would shoot it down.  Nope.  Not even close.  "I think you might be right.  How can I help?"  WHAT??????  You have GOT to be kidding me!  So we start researching curriculum and talking about COOPs.  Do you know how many options there are out there???  And I felt so behind the curve - I mean it was already August at this point and I had no idea what or how I was supposed to teach the boy!  We found an "open and go box set" that told me what to do, when to do it, what to say, and how to plan each day.  Sonlight is wonderful if you ever find yourself in this boat.  All the work was done for me.  It ended up being a great choice for us.  I also signed him up for a Coop, which he attended 1 day per week.  He needed the time with other friends, and we needed time and space away from each other.  Again, another great choice.  While it was great in so many ways, it was crazy hard too!  I found myself second guessing EVERYTHING, worrying that I would pass my weaknesses on to him, or that my overbearing personality would scar him and our relationship for life.  We are done now.  We survived, and I think he still loves me.  I know I still adore him.  But I am so excited that the current plan is to have him return to our neighborhood school in the fall.  

It was October, 2020 when the effects of COVID hit the company badly enough to warrant changes in budgets and staffing. I thought for sure that SCC Greenville had met its doom - that either we were going back to NC or we were leaving SCC altogether.  I even started looking at houses up that way.  I was convinced!  Not excited - hear that!  Just sure that the decision would be made.  Silently, behind the scenes, I start spinning new plates, making more plans, meddling. I think it was my way of accepting a new reality and embracing it early, so that when the rest of the family caught up, I'd be ready to step in and be all the things to them.  Comforting, encouraging, cheering....prepping everyone to leave all they have come to know and love here in SC and return to an NC that had grown into something entirely new while we have been away.  When Jodie told me that the leadership team had not made that decision, I was all over the place.  Relieved that we didn't have to leave.  Sad that I wasn't going 'home' to my village.  Upset that staying here meant lots of travelling there for Jodie, which meant lots of single parenting and loneliness for me and disappointed kids every time he had to go. Man, that was hard, especially at first.  No one wanted him to leave, least of all him.  And right or wrong, I always felt like I needed to protect him from everyone else's disappointment.  "Be brave for him.  We are rallying around him right now.  Love him bye, then cry if you need to."  Thinking back on those first few months of this new normal - I feel like a heel putting that kind of pressure on my kids.  They are kids for crying out loud!  They should be aloud to be disappointed.  They should be aloud to learn how to express that!  Just another thing I can put on my growing list of ways that I have failed them.

When it became clear that Jodie would be travelling like this, he and I had a long talk.  Neither of us wants to move back to NC right now.  Other than my sweet village, we have nothing but SCC there.  We are closer to all of our family here.  We like being closer to mountains - hiking, rivers, scenery.  But I also told him that I didn't want to live here if the job was there.  My main concern was that all the time and distance between us would lead to each of us living totally separate lives.  We've done that before, to an extent, and I didn't want that again.  That was a difficult season in our marriage, and I had no interest in returning to it.  We decided to give it 6-12 months and see how things were going.  

We have all been going though the motions now for 7 months.  Weekly scheduling discussions, shuffling carpools, finagling this and that to make it all work - figuring it out as we go.  His traveling has lessened some, I think.  Caleb and I are done with school.  Samantha finished today.  Georgia has a little over a week to go.  So while I don't necessarily see and end to our current season, I do feel like summer break showed up right on time, not a second too soon.  The last nine months have been the hardest months of my life.  And it all happened at once - homeschooling, single parenting, tying to keep my part-time job so I can go full time when this was all over (assuming God lets me).  All of this on top of the regular mom/wife stuff and on top of the struggles we were already having before COVID.  It's been a lot.  SO MUCH!  And as I read back over this, I see a pattern.  

ME.  A good bit of the stress and pressure I have felt over the last five years has been self inflicted.  While I am absolutely supposed to be there for my husband and children, I don't believe I was supposed to take on every role I took on. Father God is supposed to be their Comforter, and if I assume that role, am I removing an opportunity for them to experience Him?  He is supposed to be the family Anchor, the Leader, the I AM.  I was never made for that role!  Not to mention the fact that by taking on the identities I took on, I deprived Jodie of the opportunity step into his God-given and ordained role as leader and shepherd of this family.  And I did all of it in silent pain.  I was telling Jodie (through tears) last night about how hard the homeschooling season was and that I hoped I'd never have to do it again.  He seemed surprised - like he had no idea I have spent the last 9 months struggling to keep my head above water.  And how could he have known?  I was busy protecting him and the kids from all the things - why would I burden him with my struggles when I'm trying to lighten his load?  A tangled web, I have weaved for myself.  No wonder I have stepped right into that victim mentality!  "I am doing all of this, this, this, this, this, this, and this and no one seems to care or even notice."  Me.  Me.  Me.  Me.  

It's been a long 5 years, and an even longer 9 months.  I am tired.  Of course I am.  I have carried burdens unintended for me and allowed no one to help, no one to share my load, not giving anyone even a glimpse into how I am feeling.  If I'm honest, I haven't even truly let God into my storm.  And over the last 9 months, I have dealt with my storm the way so many women do - I ate my feelings.  I ate my stress.  I ate my insufficiencies.  And I put on 30 lbs in the process.  So this is my 2021 -  me in a place of spiritual thirst like I don't remember having - ever.  Tired.  Exhausted.  Depleted.  Overweight and out of shape.

But then there is peace.  Because in the midst of all this I am still more certain than ever.  Certain that God is in control.  Certain that He is who he says he is.  Certain that I am who he says I am - HIS.  And certain that while his eye is on the sparrow, He's also watching me.

God sometimes with shake me awake through music.  I heard a song this morning, one I hadn't heard in a long time.  It's called Letting Go, by Steffany Gretzinger.  Here are the lyrics:

You've brought me to the end of myself

And this has been the longest road

Just when my hallelujah was tired

You gave me a new song

I'm letting go, I'm letting go

I'm letting go, and falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes

But perfect love comes rushing in

And all the lies that screamed inside

Go silent

The moment You begin

You remind me of things forgotten

You unwind me until I'm totally undone

And with Your arms around me

Fear was no match for Your love

Now You've won me

My phone was just shuffling through my library, randomly playing every genre, every artist, every album.  But this song?  Not random at all.  God chose this one just for me.  Because I am at the end of myself, and my hallelujah is so tired.  But, Praise Jesus, He has no intentions of leaving me here in my self pity and pain.    In fact, this song was a deep, deep breath of fresh air for me this morning.  I wrote most of this yesterday, and as I read back over it today, I can feel that my perspective has already shifted.  Rather than seeing a list of excuses to sing my "Poor, poor, pitiful me" tunes, I am seeing God's hand in every detail of the past 9 months.  From the decision to homeschool and the closing of the full-time working door, to the renewal of the team that Jodie and I have inside these walls, each person pulling his/her weight, each spoke of the wheel playing its role.

Nope, God isn't leaving me here where I sit.  He is giving me a new song, and winning my heart all over again.

This was a lot.  And if you have hung in until the end, you are truly a most perfect gift to me.  I have a lot of work to do.  But I know that if I let Him, God will lead me through the work, through the healing.  I feel that the process has already begun.  So, my sweet, trusted friend, I covet your prayers and accountability partnership in this journey to wellness, to wholeness.  I love you, and I am so very thankful that God has placed you in my life.

A Call to be Bold

So, it's been a while.  Surprise.  So funny, though, that my last entry here was about who I am in Christ and how that enables me to make changes in my life that are necessary to grow deeper with my God and Savior.  Why is it funny?  Keep reading.

God has been talking to me for months now about how He wants every bit of my life. He doesn't want what's easy and convenient for me to give, when it's easy and convenient for me to give it.  He doesn't want one tithe of my life.  He wants it ALL.  He wants my time, my money, my relationships, my music, my thoughts, my words, my strengths, my weaknesses, my fears, my boldness. . . . . And the list goes on and on.  He wants ALL OF ME.  100%  And truthfully, I want Him to have all of me.  Though I fall short every single day, many times inside of every single day, my heart's desire is to live in a way that honors and glorifies Him.  That has meant making some very hard and very unpopular choices for myself, my girls and my family as a whole.  But these choices are choices that have had to be made in order for my relationship with God, or that of my kids and/or husband, to grow deeper.  I won't go into much detail about these decisions, because these decisions are not for everyone.  They were decisions that God wanted us to make, but He doesn't ask the same thing from all of His people.  Everyone is different and God is big enough to individualize His instruction for everyone based on what He has in store for each of us.

When I came home from Kenya, I came home with a burden to "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which [I] have been called." (Eph 4:1)  That encompasses so much, right?  I went on a rampage to define what that means, what it looks like.  I uncovered so much in my search, but really, to me, it comes down to two things.  It's very simple.  We are commanded to love the Lord our God with all our heart, and with all our soul, and with all our mind.  Part of loving God like that is loving what He loves and hating what He hates.  Now that is challenging!  The Bible is very clear on what God loves versus what He hates.  But it was written so long ago, and in our culture today there is so much grey matter, right? Wrong.  But that is where it gets tricky, and that is where Satan hangs his hat.  That grey matter is his playground and he is having a heck of a time hanging out right there.  

One of Satan's favorite things to do is to deceive us by mixing his evil schemes and tricks with something that has great potential to be really good, maybe even glorify God if all went right, which it won't.  He plays those tricks on me all the time.  He uses those tricks to make me second guess some of those decisions that have already been made.  He creates grey matter for me, and makes it easy for me to get sucked back into a situation from which God has already delivered me.  He might pry open a window into something on which God has already closed the door.  He might deceive me into thinking, "Just this once.  It's for the greater good."  He knows my heart, my compassion for others, and is not ashamed use it against me.  I'm telling you.  He's tricky, he's smart, and he's got more power than people give him credit for.

BUT GOD!  That's right, I went there.  My two favorite words.  But God is bigger, stronger, more powerful, smarter. . . . Again, the list goes on and on.  AND, He's got my back, my front, my sides, my top. . .  He's got me!  He loves me.  And His grace and His mercies are new everyday.  So, even when I give in to Satan's tricks, even when I am lured away toward evil, He still has me covered.  Even when I fall short of His glory every single day, I am still covered.  By His blood I am covered.  So, Satan has no authority over me.  He has no power over me.  He has already been defeated, along with every trick he may play on me.  He might win a battle here and there, but Jesus has already won the war!  There is a certain peace in knowing that, and I am so incredibly thankful.  

But it doesn't stop there.  It can't.  I want God's absolute best for me and my family.  I want us to receive every gift He has in store for us.  But most of the time that requires us to step out of our comfort zones and into a place where our only hope of getting out alive is to fully and completely trust and rely on Him.  That's where I am now.  God is asking me to be bold about something, and being bold has never been a strength of mine.  I am a peacekeeper by nature, and I do not like to rock any boats.  I don't like to even remotely hurt another person's feelings, even if it is for his/her own good.  I'd rather just retreat into my own little world in hopes that whatever needs to be said will be received via osmosis or ESP.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, at least not permanently.  That's another one of Satan's little tricks.  He'll let some time go by, allow you to retreat into your own little world, making you think you won the battle without having to fight.  But, it's usually only a matter of time before that matter starts to sneak its way right back into your life.  Again, that's where I am now.

I mentioned that God has been telling me that He wants all of me.  He wants me to hand everything over to Him and allow Him to weed out the bad and mend the good.  He wants control over every aspect of my life.  That's two-fold though.  He wants me to submit to His authority, but then He also wants me to boldly defend and stand up for the decisions made based on that authority.  He wants me to be intentional about the decisions we are making together. 

For example, I have a relationship that needs to go. It has needed to go for a very long time now.  I won't go into detail as to why it needs to go, but just to say that there is no fruit coming from it.  It's full of that grey matter that I have been talking about.  Honestly it's due, in part, to the fact that in this person's presence I can't stand.  I am not strong enough, and every time I give in to something I know is not right, whether it's excessive profanity, gossip, speaking ugly of someone else or even just sitting idly by and allowing this behavior to take place, knowing full well that I am not honoring my King in that moment.  Satan knows this and he likes that relationship and is not making it easy on me.  Every time I succeed in putting space there, he uses something that will tug at my heart strings and suck me right back in.  He's even used a Bible Study to do this!  He's ruthless and shameless!  But every time I have put space there, it's been me retreating into my own little world, not rocking any boats.  Why?  Fear mainly.  Fear of confrontation, fear of my character being attacked (when I have worked so hard to live in a way that honors and glorifies God), fear of alienation, fear of being misunderstood (holier than thou, judgmental, etc).  BUT "GOD is love" (1 John 4:16), and "perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18).  And, "God gave [me] a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2 Tim 1:7).   God is calling me to finally stand up and be bold.  He wants me to boldly defend the decision to end this relationship, and then boldly stand and let Him defend me. So there you have it. That's where I am now.

Who am I? I am HIS!!!

So I promised more about what else God is doing in me through the Ephesians passage.  I said a couple of posts ago that God has been taking me on a journey to show me who I am in Christ.  If you missed that post, you can catch up here.

There are so many things that He has shown me about who I really am, who I am in Him.  But I am one of those people who needs affirmation after affirmation after affirmation.  So, I wanted to see what God's Word says about who I, God's princess, am.  I found an incredible list of affirmation after affirmation after affirmation, and I wanted to share it with you.  So here you go:

Who Does God Say I Am?

———— ␣ ————

Here is a list of biblical affirmations about our identity in Jesus Christ that is derived from a few selected passages in the New Testament. This is just a portion of the many truths about who we have become through faith in God’s Son, but it is a powerful inventory to review from time to time:

• I am a child of God. - "But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name." John 1:12

• I am a branch of the true vine, and a conduit of Christ’s life. - "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing." John 15:1, 5

• I am a friend of Jesus. - "No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you." John 15:15

• I have been justified and redeemed. - "being justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus." Romans 3:24

• My old self was crucified with Christ, and I am no longer a slave to sin. - "knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, that we would no longer be slaves to sin." Romans 6:6

• I will not be condemned by God. - "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

• I have been set free from the law of sin and death. - "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." Romans 8:2

• As a child of God, I am a fellow heir with Christ. - "and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with Him." Romans 8:17

• I have been accepted by Christ. - "Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God." Romans 15:7

• I have been called to be a saint. - "To the church of God which is at Corinth, to those who have been sanctified in Christ Jesus, saints by calling, with all who in every place call upon the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, their Lord and ours." 1 Corinthians 1:2 (Ephesians 1:1; Philippians 1:1; Colossians 1:2)

• In Christ Jesus, I have wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. - "But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption." 1 Corinthians 1:30

• My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in me. - "Do you not know that you are a temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?" 1 Corinthians 3:16, "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?" 1 Corinthians 6:19

• I am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with Him. - "But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him." 1 Corinthians 6:17

• God leads me in the triumph and knowledge of Christ. - "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place." 2 Corinthians 2:14

• The hardening of my mind has been removed in Christ. - "But their minds were hardened; for until this very day at the reading of the old covenant the same veil remains unlifted, because it is removed in Christ." 2 Corinthians 3:14

• I am a new creature in Christ. - "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

• I have become the righteousness of God in Christ. - "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." 2 Corinthians 5:21

• I have been made one with all who are in Christ Jesus. - "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

• I am no longer a slave, but a child and an heir. - "Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God." Galatians 4:7

• I have been set free in Christ. - "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1

• I have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. - "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ." Ephesians 1:3

• I am chosen, holy, and blameless before God. - "just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him." Ephesians 1:4

• I am redeemed and forgiven by the grace of Christ. - "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace." Ephesians 1:7

• I have been predestined by God to obtain an inheritance. - "In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will." Ephesians 1:10-11

• I have been sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. - "In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation—having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise." Ephesians 1:13

• Because of God’s mercy and love, I have been made alive with Christ. - "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)." Ephesians 2:4-5

• I am seated in the heavenly places with Christ. - "and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:6

• I am God’s workmanship created to produce good works. - "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

• I have been brought near to God by the blood of Christ. - "But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ." Ephesians 2:13

• I am a member of Christ’s body and a partaker of His promise. - "the Gentiles are fellow heirs and fellow members of the body, and fellow partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus through the gospel." Ephesians 3:6; 5:30

• I have boldness and confident access to God through faith in Christ. - "in whom we have boldness and confident access through faith in Him." Ephesians 3:12

• My new self is righteous and holy. - "put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth." Ephesians 4:24

• I was formerly darkness, but now I am light in the Lord. - "you were formerly darkness, but now you are light in the Lord; walk as children of light." Ephesians 5:8

• I am a citizen of heaven. - "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ." Philippians 3:20

• The peace of God guards my heart and mind. - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

• God supplies all my needs. - "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

• I have been made complete in Christ. - "in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority." Colossians 2:10

• I have been raised up with Christ. - "Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God." Colossians 3:1

• My life is hidden with Christ in God. - "For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3

• Christ is my life, and I will be revealed with Him in glory. - "When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." Colossians 3:4

• I have been chosen of God, and I am holy and beloved. - "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12

• God loves me and has chosen me. - "knowing, brethren beloved by God, His choice of you." 1 Thessalonians 1:4

The more we embrace these truths from Scripture about who we have become in Christ, the more stable, grateful, and fully assured we will be in this world.

When I look at this list of verses, gratitude for what Christ did for me overwhelms me. When I look at these verses, I am overcome with humility, thankfulness, and praise. When I think about the laundry list of sins that have been washed away, gone, as if they were never even there, I am simply speechless. I like to sit back and read the verses one by one. I can almost hear God Himself whispering them to me. Wow. When I take the time to just sit in His presence and let him show me how much He loves me, I am just overwhelmed by it all. It reminds me of my favorite song, "How He Loves." Check it out if you have never heard it.

As I meditate on this list of verses, my spirit is stirred. I find myself wanting more of Him. I find myself wanting to live my life even more in tune with Him. I find myself REALLY wanting to "walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which [I] have been called" Ephesians 4:1. I told you He wasn't done with me and the book of Ephesians yet! But what's more, as I meditate on these verses, I find the strength and power I need to make the changes necessary to walk that walk.

The Whole Armor of God

Here is a copy of the lesson I wrote for the women in Maasai Land.  God led me here for a reason.  I don't think He's done yet.  More on that later....

The Whole Armor of God

Ephesians 6

My name is Carrie Nixon.  I am a wife and a mother of 2 beautiful girls who keep me hopping.  I am so excited to be here and share with you the power of God!

I will be teaching out of the book of Ephesians today, focusing on Ephesians 6:10-20.  But before we get there, we should get some background information.  First, we need to know that the Apostle Paul is writing this letter to the believers in Ephesus.  He is in jail, chained to a Roman soldier, writing to encourage the believers in Ephesus, and challenges them to be a living body of Christ on earth. 

In chapter 1 of Ephesians, Paul shows us all that we have in Christ.  As Christians, we have every spiritual blessing.  We are showered with God’s kindness (v 3-8), we were chosen for greatness (v. 9-12), marked with the seal of the Holy Spirit (v 13,14), and we are filled with the power of the Holy Spirit (v. 15-23).

Chapters 2 and 3 show us our position in Christ.  As Christians, we are freed from sin’s curse and bondage (ch 2, v. 1-10), brought near to God (ch. 2, v. 11-18), and we are part of God’s household.   We stand with the profits, apostles, Jews, Gentiles, and Christ Himself.  We are fellow citizens and members of the household of God.

Chapters 4-6 highlight our purpose as Christians.  We are to have a walk worthy of our call.   In other words, the way we live our life should show others that we are His.  We are to be humble and gentle, patient, bearing one another in love, walking in the unity of our commitment to Christ.  We are to have the highest moral standards, rejecting ungodly practices and living in mutual submission and love.

Ephesians 6:10-20

^"10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

Paul’s final concern for believers was that in order to effectively carry out our purpose, we must be strong.  We need to be strong because the day we become a Christian marks the beginning of a great struggle with Satan and his forces.  We must be strong against his schemes.  As believers, we are enemies of Satan, and he will use all that he has to try and make us stumble. 

His schemes include giving us false doctrine, or beliefs; temptation to indulge in things of the flesh, things of our old walk (sexual sin, hatred of others or God, jealousy, addiction, pride).  He seeks to make us stumble and then he will trample on us after we fall.  He tries to make worse the sin that is already in us.  We must never underestimate the power of Satan.

But there is good news!  In John 16:33, Jesus tells us that in the world we will have tribulation.  We will have trials; we will have battle.  “But,” he says, “take heart; I have overcome the world.”  Jesus wins!

So how can we be strong?  Where does our strength come from?  Paul says that we must “ be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.”  There is strength and power available beyond our own.  We’ve already established that as Christians we are filled with the power of the Holy Spirit. 

• Eph 1;18,19 - “I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."
• Eph 3:16 - “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.”
• Eph 3:20 – “ Now unto him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us.”

This strength and power comes from the armor of God.  God supplies it, but we must put it on.  We don’t have it in and of ourselves.  Being strong in the Lord is the only way we can resist Satan and we must be equipped for the battle.  We don’t want to be an easy target for the devil and his tricks.  When we put on the whole armor of God, we are assured that we will not be defeated in our struggles. 

When we put on the full armor of God, we are actually putting on Christ.  Romans 13:12-14 says, “ The night is nearly over, the day is almost here.  So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.  Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.  Rather clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.” 

Paul’s instruction for us to put on the full armor of God is a command.  It is not a suggestion, not a favor.  It is necessary for victory, an absolute must-do.  He is telling us that every Christian has been drafted to fight the war against Satan.  It is not a physical war, but a spiritual one.  The victory over Satan is in Christ and in the armor that he provides his saints, his believers.

So what does the armor of God look like?   Remember where Paul is when he is writing this letter to the church.  He is in prison, chained to a Roman soldier.  So as he writes, he likens God’s armor to the armor of a Roman soldier.

First, he tells us to buckle the belt of truth around our waists.  Romans soldiers wore a woolen one-piece tunic that came down to their knees.  It was shaped like a “T” with a hole at the top for the head.  Over this tunic, they placed the belt.  The belt would cinch up all the loose fabric from the tunic, making it easier to move and fight.  It also served as the foundation on which the sword, dagger and metal apron were attached.

This belt was foundational for battle.  It supported the weapons that allowed the soldier to fight.  The belt is a reminder that Jesus is the foundation for our spiritual battles.  He is the truth that stands against the lies and deception of Satan.  To win our spiritual battles our fight must be anchored to the truth found in Jesus alone.

Next, Paul says to have the breastplate of righteousness in place.  A roman soldier’s breastplate was made of overlapping bronze scales.  It was there to protect the soldier’s vital organs.  This soldier would never enter into battle without it.  It was essential to survival. 

If we start to believe that our own righteousness, efforts, or good works will be enough to earn God’s protection, we will fall to Satan’s attacks.  Our righteousness is worthless on its own.  We have to have our eyes on Christ and the provision of the cross and the righteousness found in our relationship with Him.

Third, we are to have our feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  The shoes that a Roman soldier would wear were like sandals.  They would have thick leather bottoms that had nails sticking out of the bottom.  These nails provided stability in combat.

Without his sandals, a soldier would not be prepared for the battle and would be easily defeated.  We are told here that our preparation for combat is the gospel, the good news, of Jesus’s life, death and resurrection.  The work of Jesus here on earth brought the believer peace with God and allows us to fight with boldness, confidence, perseverance, and peace.

We are told to take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  A Roman soldier’s shield would have been about 4 feet tall and 2 feet wide.  It was made of wood and covered by linen and leather.  They would soak it in oil so that it would be soaking wet, and it could extinguish the flaming arrows.

Faith is the bond between man and God.  It is the assurance of thing hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  Satan throws fiery darts at us.  They can come in forms of lies about who we are and what we are capable of.  They might be temptations or promises of pleasure.  Faith is believing that God can protect us from Satan’s tricks, believing that what God says about us is true, and that He will keep His promises.  This faith only comes from the Word of God.

Next, Paul talks about the helmet of salvation.   The Roman army helmet was designed to protect all sides of the face and head.  There was a piece on the back that would drop down and protect the neck from arrows that fell from above.  The helmet was essential for the survival of the soldier.

Our minds are always a major target for Satan.  But our salvation is the greatest of all gifts from God.  Hope in that salvation is what protects our minds from things like fear and despair, doubt and discouragement.  It is our deliverance from the pit of hell.  Our salvation gives us the freedom to believe in the gospel of Christ, to glorify God, and to live with righteousness and truth.

The sword of the Spirit is next.  A Roman soldier’s sword was large and double-edged.  It was the power behind the Roman army machine.  In close-quarter combat, it was a very effective weapon.

Our sword is the Word of God.  It is our only weapon, but it is the only weapon that we need.  When used at close range by a skilled soldier, this sword was deadly.  God’s word is a powerful weapon against our enemy when it’s used under the spirit’s power and direction.  It is infinitely more powerful that and of Satan’s weapons.  It teaches us, guides us, and shows us what is right and acceptable.

Finally, we are to pray in the Spirit on all occasions.  Prayer is how we stay alert and aware of what is going on around us.  In Matthew 26:41, Jesus taught us to “watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation”.  We must pray with all perseverance.  We must stay prayerful even when we do not feel and immediate response from God. 

And we must pray for each other.  Every Christian is in a battle of her own.  We need to lift our sisters in Christ up in prayer, that she will continue to fight the good fight.  Pray for Christians that you know, and Christians around the world.  Pray for all the saints.

So in conclusion, in order for us to be strong enough to fight the good fight of the faith, we must clothe ourselves with Christ.  He is our armor!  We much “Put on” truth, righteousness, the gospel of peace, faith, the hope of our salvation, the word of God.  And we must pray according to His will.

Then and only then will we be “strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.”  Then, and only then, are we able to resist and stand firm against anything Satan might throw at us.

But clothing ourselves in this armor is a choice that we have to make.  We have to put on the whole armor of God.  We have to do it deliberately, on purpose. 

When we become Christians, our armor is ready and waiting for us.  But it is up to us.  We are in great danger when we think we can stand in our own strength, rather than in the strength God provides for us.

It is only in His strength that we can stand.  The victory is the Lord’s.  When we acknowledge our sin and trust in the victory that Jesus has already won on the cross, then we shall be saved and shall wage war for God.  The war is a matter of trusting and obeying our Lord. 

We have to make the decision to pray.  We have to make the decision to be faithful.  We have to make the decision to trust in the Lord and rest in His provision for victory.  We have to act!

My God, My Hero

I just got home from my first trip outside of the USA.  No, I didn't go anywhere with blue water, feet of beautiful white snow, or countrysides full of vineyards.  No, where I went, it was hot, dry, dusty beyond belief, bug-filled, and absolutely one of the most beautiful places I've ever had the privilege to lay my eyes on. Maasai Land, Kenya.  I went with a group from my church to share God's wonderful Truth with the people there.  We left here on February 12th and returned 11 days later, on the 23rd.  It was a wonderful trip, an amazing experience.  I pray that I will return to see my friends again soon.

This was a teaching mission.  We didn't build anything or give medical attention.  We were there to teach these beautiful people about God's truth, about His gift to us - His son, Jesus Christ, and about what it looks like to live a life devoted to Him.  There were 7 from our church, 5 women and 2 men.  One of our women worked with the children, while the other 4 taught the women, and the men taught the men.  I was one who taught the women.

Leading up to this trip, I would find myself giggling at the idea that I would have anything worth sharing with these people.  I am not a teacher.  I don't know enough!  But I was compelled by the Spirit to go on this trip, and teaching was the mission, so, I just went with it.  God had laid upon my heart the passage in Ephesians 6 about the Full Armor of God.  At first, I was thinking that God was drawing me to this passage for my own benefit.  Based on some of the reactions I was getting after telling people that I was going on this trip, I thought God was giving me my armor to stand firm in that decision, despite what others might be saying.  But He kept drawing me back here, so I dove in.  I still am not convinced that the study of this passage was not more for me than the Maasai women who heard it.  Sometimes God has a funny way of getting us to stop long enough to receive what He has for us.  I guess sometimes, He has to take us clear across the globe for it to really sink in.

As I look over the last year or so, I see a pattern in what God has been doing in my life.  He has built my confidence in who I am as His child.  Over the last 2 years or so, He has lead me to do things that I never had any interest in doing, mainly because I had listened to all the lies telling me that I couldn't do them.  In high school, there was a "Senior Superlatives" notebook that was passed around.  It wasn't filled with pages of "Most likely to succeed" or "Most likely to be president."  There was nothing positive in this book of junk.  My name ended up on the page entitled "Most likely to be the ugliest person to ever walk the face of the earth."  I still cringe at the thought of how mean and hurtful people can be.  While I know better that to believe this trash, Satan takes every opportunity to remind me of this notebook.  At times, he even adds more brutality to it.  It's so easy to fall into his trap and believe his lies.  But God.  Aren't those beautiful words?!?!  God has lead me on a journey to show me who I really am.  He has taught me so much about who His princess really is.

He's taught me lessons about endurance.  In 2010 I entered a triathlon, and in 2011 a 1/2 marathon.  This was huge for me because up until then, I was that person who wasn't going to run anywhere unless there was someone chasing me with a knife!  Both of these things were a lot of fun, but God showed me what dedication looked like.  The training schedules for these events required a dedication that I had not given to much of anything prior to them.  God used these events to show me what endurance looked like and what it took to gain it.

He's taught me lessons about trust.  Also in 2011, I joined the choir at church.  Shortly after that, the praise team.  I remember the first time on stage with the praise team.  I thought my heart was going to explode - and I wasn't even close to a microphone!  Then there was the time that there weren't enough people and I had to hold the microphone!  So funny to look back on now.  It wasn't long after that that my worship pastor, out of the blue one night at practice, called on me to try a solo.  He said, "No time that the present, Carrie."  Let's just say that it was good that the microphone did not have jingling things hanging from it.  With all the shaking I was doing, that's all anyone would've heard.  One other time, I was joking around with some fellow choir members about being so nervous I thought I was going to throw up.  Pastor heard me and told me to shut up and sing.  He said it was time to stop believing the lies and trust what God was calling me to do.

Then he takes me to Kenya.  Of all things He could have me do, He takes me to Kenya to teach!  I jokingly said (but I was oh so serious about it) that I would rather hammer 5000 nails than teach even 1 lesson!  I just don't feel worthy of teaching God's word.  There is still so much for me to learn.  But, I trusted that God would give me all that I needed, and followed Him.  Is anyone of you surprised that He did indeed supply all that was required?  For some reason, I am always surprised.  I'm not surprised that He CAN, but I am always surprised that He would want to.....for me.  When I read the Bible, I see how He calls and equips ordinary people, flawed people.  But I fall into the trap of believing it for everyone but myself.  Another one of Satan's dirty schemes to lead me down the wrong path.  He is tricky, isn't he?  God shows me over and over again that He can, He will, and He wants to give it all to ME.  How great is our God!  He's my hero!

Starting in March, Jodie and I will be facilitating a Bible Study called Run For God.  I still maintain that I am not a teacher.  God is the teacher, not me!  Who better to learn from!

Little by little God has been stretching my comfort zone.  I think of it like a balloon, with God blowing it up, breath by breath, stretching that balloon.  I can't wait for Him to pop it altogether!

It doesn't mean it's wrong!

So many things are going through my head right now.  I am really having a hard time processing it all.  So, I thought that maybe getting down on "paper" would help me work through it.

I know that being easily offended is not of God.  I know that He would rather I turn the offense over to Him and let Him handle it.  I know that, even when I feel I am defending Him and His people in my offensive, He would rather I not keep it and give it to Him.  It's so hard sometimes though.  But the funny thing is that I find myself being offended by the person who is doing and saying the exact same things that I, myself, used to do and say.  Maybe that is why it's so offensive to me in the first place?

So like I have said before, I grew up in church.  A small town United Methodist Church.  It was, and still is, a great church.  It is a wonderful community and, at least when I was there, was a true church family.  I made friendships there that I believe I will always have.  But, my walk with Christ was extremely shallow. I don't think that the UMC is to blame for that.  There are plenty of believers within the UMC that have authentic love relationships with Christ.  I just was not one of them.  I was, however, very in tune with all the traditions within my church.  We did things they way we did them, and there was no room for anything outside of those ways.  When I think back on my time at that church, that's what I remember - traditions.  I remember the church bulletins that outlined our services.  We sang the same songs at the same times and said the same prayers every Sunday.  After a while, the monotony takes control and all of a sudden you are just going through the motions because that's "the way we did them."  Now, don't get me wrong, there is something endearing about tradition.  I find myself missing some of those same old songs and prayers at times.  The difference now, though, is that I understand what it means to "Praise God, from whom all blessings flow" and I can sing that song in true, authentic worship of our Great God.  But back then, I didn't get it.  I had memorized that song in the early years of Sunday School, but had never taken the time dissect what it was that I was singing.  I imagine that I was not alone in that.  So, think about that for a minute.  You have a worship service run by a bulletin and filled with people singing songs they may or may not mean.  Where does the Spirit even have room to show up, much less move?  Again, there is comfort in traditions, but is there room for true growth?  One of my favorite quotes is "There is little growth in a comfort zone, and little comfort in a growth zone."  It is so true.

So, growing up in that church, listening to the organ and the chancel choir every week, the thought of drums in a church never even crossed my mind.  Then I went home with Jodie to "meet the family".  So we left NC State on a Friday afternoon and went "home" to visit with his family.  That Sunday, before heading back to school, we went to church.  They did not go to a United Methodist Church.  They went to a non-denominational church.  They had D.R.U.M.S.!  I remember getting out that that car that morning.  No one had said anything about what the church was like, so I was expecting more of my traditions.  But we got out of the car that morning, and in the parking lot I heard all kinds of noise and commotion coming from the church building.  I asked Jodie what it was.  "It's the DRUMS," he said.  "What?!?!  I can't go in there!"  It was out of my comfort zone.  It was different.  It defied tradition.  It just wasn't right!

Says who???

I did go in that church service that morning, and I witnessed something that absolutely blew my mind!  I have not been the same since.  I saw, for the very first time in my life, the Holy Spirit.  I don't remember what the sermon was about.  I don't remember what songs we sang (I didn't know any of them anyway).  But I do remember seeing God's people filled with His joy, His love, His Spirit.  It shook me.  It scared me a little even, but it also made me want more.  The next time we went "home" and went to that church, I saw something that blew my mind even more.  So here was this preacher, who had spent his time that week writing what I am sure was a wonderful message to share with the congregation that day.  But God had another plan.  God planned an extended prayer time.  And that is what happened.  It was like someone took the bulletin and tore it into shreds.  This church didn't have a bulletin, but if they had, that printed schedule of events for that service would've been null and void.  I couldn't believe it!  We went to church.  We sang. We clapped with the drums. And then we prayed.  Again, something I had never witnessed before.  Corporate unified prayer - all at the spur of the moment - all Spirit lead.

I tell you all of this so you can understand what it is that I am struggling with.  In my ignorance, my traditions, my comfort zone, and in my fear, I doubted that church and what they were doing. And I almost missed one of the biggest blessings God has ever given me.  Visiting that church, I believe, marked the beginning of my true salvation journey.  

So fast forward 13 years.  Jodie and I are married with children, and I know that I know that I know that I am a daughter of the King.  Now, I look back on all of that and can giggle a little.  And within the context of my own personal salvation story it is a bit funny, especially since I know how it will end.  But in the context of God's Kingdom, it's nothing less than scary!

Let me start by saying that I am not a fan of denominations.  The great commission did not consist of "Go and make disciples of all nations, and make sure that you divide them appropriately among the Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, etc. churches."  No, denominations were man-made, and in some ways, are just what Satan ordered.  We are all God's people, and the divisions between the denominations is just that - division among God's people.  It's scary, really.  And I am still guilty of it too.  It is so easy to look at another church group, dissect it (from the outside of course, cause it might hurt too much to actually examine from the inside) and what they do, and judge it as being wrong.  And Satan loves it!  He smiles every time God's people attack their own.  And everyday, we all fall into the same trap again! When are we going to get it through our heads, that God is HUGE!!!!!  His mind is HUGE!!!!!  We can't even begin to understand what He understands, or what He is doing, or how or why or when.....  And as long as we remain in our comfort zones (traditional, denominational, non-denomininational, whatever it may be), too scared to rock the boat, we will never get any closer than we are right now to understanding His ways.  Ann Graham Lotz said last night in her simulcast that God is shaking us.  And then she rattled off a long list of the ways in which He is doing it.  There were hurricanes, earthquakes, wars, economical trouble.  And the list went on.  We need to understand that God uses all things to reach all people.  He uses a traditional worship service to reach some, and He uses the more contemporary one to reach others.  And then there are those who love a little of both.  My point in all of this is simple:  Just because it is out of our comfort zone, outside of our traditions, not the way we do things, it doesn't mean it's wrong.  I say, for the sake of God's Kingdom, bring it all.....the organ, the hymns, the piano, the entire orchestra, the chancel choir, the dance and drama teams, the praise team and band (with the drums of course)...even the fog machines.  If it results in even 1 life being changed, 1 soul being saved, who are we to call it wrong?  Wake up church!  It's not about us!

Christ Paid It ALL ... FOR ALL

I have such mixed emotions this morning as I hear and read all that people have to say about the death of Osama Bin Laden.  Yes, nearly 10 years ago, he changed life in the USA forever.  Yes, I am happy that our military has been hard at work since to insure that something like 9/11 will never happen again, and I am happy and proud to be an American!  Am I happy Bin Laden is no longer an issue?  Yes, I think I am, but I can't help but feel a little sadness as well.

There have been so many posts made to Facebook about the fact that Bin Laden is now burning in Hell.  But, how are these people so sure?  Do they have an exclusive link to God that I don't have?  One that allows God to reveal to them the last moments of a person's life?  I'm pretty sure that's not the case, but I could very well be wrong.  But as I was vacuuming this morning, I thought about the fact that to God, sin is sin.  There is no hierarchy of sin.  For me, that is so hard to even comprehend.  How can sin just be sin, no matter what the offense is?  How is my impatience with my kids the same as killing 3000+ people?  Through my human eyes, the 2 don't even compare, but to God, there is no difference.  That's humbling, isn't it?  So then I think of the thief that hung on the cross next to Jesus.  Again, his sins no better or worse than my own, or those of Bin Laden. But as he hung there on that cross, he turns and says, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." Luke 23:42  Can you imagine? This man was about to die, and he turned to Christ for forgiveness.  What happens next?  In my opinion, this is one of the greatest moments in the Bible.  "Jesus answered him, 'I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.'" Luke 23:43  Hallelujah!!! Jesus accepted him. This is so wonderful to me because, not only does it show us that our good deeds to not save us and our bad deeds to not condemn us to an eternity in Hell, it also is proof that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to turn to God.

I came across an FB post that led me to a verse in Ezekiel: "Do I take pleasure in the death of the wicked? declares the Sovereign Lord.  Rather, am I not pleased when they turn from their ways and live?" EZE 18:23  The commentary in my Bible says the following about this verse: "God takes no joy in their deaths [the deaths of wicked people]; he would rather that they turn to him and have eternal life.  Likewise, we should not rejoice in the misfortunes of nonbelievers.  Instead, we should do all in our power to bring them to faith."

Anyway, all of this to say that it is not our place to judge the eternity of anyone, not even Osama Bin Laden.  It is important that we remember that it is never too late for a lost soul to answer God's call in obedience.  It is also very important that we remember that our Lord is sad whenever He loses a soul to the depths of Hell.  I do not know the last moments of Bin Laden's life.  I do not know where he will spend eternity.  It is my hope that in the 11th hour, he turned from his sin-filled life, and like the thief on the cross, turned to God and asked for forgiveness.